Clinically Unverified · Once-Daily Topical Patch

Procrastaderm^™

For adults who keep meaning to get around to it.

A once-daily topical patch clinically formulated to address the persistent, debilitating cycle of deferred intention. Applied in the morning. Forgotten by afternoon.

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Procrastaderm™ is not approved by the FDA or any regulatory body. Side effects include sudden productivity lasting 4–6 minutes, an overwhelming urge to reorganize something already organized, and mild existential clarity. Ask your doctor if Procrastaderm is right for you. Your doctor will probably just shrug.

Mechanism of Action

How Procrastaderm™ Works

Apply the Patch

Each morning, apply one Procrastaderm™ patch to your upper arm. You will mean to do this. Eventually you will.

Feel the Intention

Within minutes, experience a powerful sense that today is the day. Today you will handle everything. Today is different.

Get Around to It

Begin one task. Complete approximately 40% of it before remembering something else. Feel good about this. That's progress.

Real Procrastaderm™ Users

Living With Intention. Mostly.

Results not typical. Results not particularly atypical either.

"I assessed the situation thoroughly." — Dave, 47

"I was mentally preparing." — Michael, 52

"Sudden productivity. 4 minutes." — Karen, 44

"I reorganized my reorganization system." — Greg, 38

"Applied it. Felt ready. Went back to bed." — Tyler, 29

"He said I was a good candidate. I think he was just being nice." — Susan, 51

Important Safety Information

Side Effects May Include

Sudden Productivity

Lasting 4–6 minutes. Often directed toward an unimportant task completed with surprising intensity.

Intrusive Task Awareness

Unwanted thoughts about other things you've been putting off. May occur during unrelated activities, meals, or sleep.

List Generation

An uncontrollable urge to make a list of tasks rather than complete any of them. Sub-lists are common.

Mild Existential Clarity

A brief, passing awareness of how much time has been wasted. This typically resolves within 90 seconds.

Garage Contemplation

Prolonged assessment of unaddressed storage situations. May involve opening a door, staring, and closing it again.

False Completion Satisfaction

Feeling accomplished after 12% of a task. This is a known side effect. We consider it a feature.

Do not use Procrastaderm™ if you are already productive. Procrastaderm™ is not intended to treat, cure, or prevent procrastination. Procrastaderm™ may, in fact, worsen procrastination. If symptoms persist, consider starting them tomorrow. Distributed by Procrastaderm Labs, Chicago, IL. NDC 56743-123-30.

Community

Submit Your Confession

Tell us what you've been putting off. We won't judge. We've also been meaning to do something about this form.

"I've had an unopened box in my living room for eight months. I think it's a lamp. I'm not ready to know."

— Patricia, 53

"I told my dentist I'd call to reschedule. That was 2022. We both know I'm not calling."

— Marcus, 41

"I downloaded a budgeting app three years ago. I named the app. I gave it a color. I have never opened it."

— Jennifer, 36

Get Started. Eventually.

Order Procrastaderm™

You've been thinking about it. That counts as research.

Procrastaderm™

Once-Daily Topical Patch · 4 Week Supply

$0.00

30 Patches | Free (and fictional)

Once-daily application
Clinically unverified formula
Compatible with most excuses
Distributed by Procrastaderm Labs, Chicago IL

Free shipping. Eventually. We're still looking into carriers.

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Procrastaderm^™

You've been meaning to watch this.